Hide and Go Seek Blog

How far is God going to push me? How far is He willing to drag me across the finish line? How has he not given up on my yet? Every step I turn away from Him, He’s stil standing there, not in judgement, but with a face of preperation, in his “power stance”. Like He knows how bad I’m about to screw up, and He’s still there.

It seems though God has pushed me into a corner. I’ve felt so bitter and angry at everything I’ve gone through, everything that forms my story. I felt beyond useless, like when my mom makes a meal of all the week’s leftover’s put together. How does that make any sense? How can a collection of all the things no body wanted be desireable? Just write it off and start again. Learn from these mistakes from the past week, don’t push further into failure and make “the ultimate mistake”. What is He going to push me through next? What button do I have to push in order to get a break, at least call a timeout?

I think the worst thing that God could ever ask me to do is marry a prostitute. I get so emotionally involved in anything I do, falling in love with a corner-worker would kill me. My emotions would start cancelling each other out, I’d start smelling burnt toast and all of a sudden I’d be gone. I struggle with jealousy enough as it is, imagine having a reason to be jealous of every man in town.

But that’s exactly what God goes through when He choose to fall in love with us, not only did He know that it wouldn’t be returned, but that we wouldn’t even try and hide our adultery. We wear our adultury as a uniform, it’s our profession, our very occupation. This is played out in the book of Hosea, but something has come to mind today. God’s never going to ask us to go anywhere He hasn’t been already.

Though it may feel as though God is dragging me through the hardest time in my life, through it all He’s inviting me deeper into a relationship with Him, through experiencing His grace a fresh, for the first time in a brand new way. The terrible part about it is that until it becomes heart knowledge, it is stillborn as head knowledge. Until I allow myself to excerience this grace in the fullness that I can write it, then this part of the story remains unwritten. That’s where words grow wings and fly.

, Chad